How to Leave Your Church
In my current roles I travel often. I also encounter people everywhere I go who want to talk to the visiting pastor in confidence about something they are reluctant to talk to anybody else about: how to leave their church. I’ve been asked several times about this. Here’s what I have compiled. I call it the “Not So Easy Seven.”
Leave only if you must.
Don’t leave your church unless you absolutely must leave. God put you here in the first place! So if you must leave, leave slowly, prayerfully, and without haste. Give yourself time to discern whether God is calling you away or simply calling you to persevere. Don’t make a decision in the middle of hurt, disappointment, conflict, or frustration. Seek wise counsel, pray deeply, examine your heart, and pursue reconciliation wherever possible. Remember your covenant relationships and the people who love you. Leaving should be a last resort, not an emotional reaction.
Try to leave graciously.
You may want to leave with all your guns ablazin’ but the approach that feels good isn’t always the one that is good. Better to err on the side of gentleness and let the Lord repay your enemies. This also makes it easier for you to admit wrong if you should find some down the road.
Tell the pastor you are leaving.
This may be the most important point. Please let someone know you are going. If you tell the leaders you are leaving, they can pray for you. Maybe they can clear up a misunderstanding. Or maybe they need to learn from your experience. Please talk to the pastor!
Leave off a ledge.
I got this imagery from someone who got it from someone else who recently left a church and did so with great grace. He said as he thought about leaving he decided he didn’t want to drift away, slowly pulling away and dropping his commitments. He said he’d rather take a leap off the ledge and be fully engaged until the moment when he decided it was time to go. Be all-in while you are in, and then when you are out, jump right out.
Learn how to kindly and honestly answer the question “Why did you leave?”
People will ask you, so figure out your answer. Don’t kill someone’s character or disembowel the whole church with your reply. A simple, straightforward answer will suffice. We didn’t agree with the direction of the church. We disagreed with some of the doctrines being taught. We didn’t feel like we could submit ourselves to the authority of the church any longer. Tell the truth, but speak it in the manner that will bring glory to God.
Don’t burn bridges.
If you were a faithful member of your previous church, you will keep running into those who are still there. You’ll see them at weddings, funerals, open houses, and school functions. It’s bound to be a little awkward but do what you can to keep the relationships intact. Many of them are worth saving. And you may need them later.
Keep praying and ask others to pray for you.
The ties that bind are not broken easily. In some ways they don’t have to. Obviously, the relationship changes when you leave a church, but you should still want what is best for all those you left behind.
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